Don't You Forget About Me

Today we head to Scotland. Our preparation for touring Scotland consisted of watching all available seasons of Outlander on television, and while we probably gleaned a bit of history, most notably the battle of Culloden, it left a lot to be desired. My Scottish musical knowledge is sparse, but it's appropriate to title this one after the Scottish band Simple Minds song everyone knows from the Breakfast Club. By the time we left Scotland, we would never forget it. But for a good catch up on history, enter Maria, who had the whole thing covered.

The Scots are a fiercely independent people who have fought for their freedom as a nation since the beginning and continue to do so today. While part of the British empire, they are quick to establish their separateness and are proud of their customs. Recorded history of Scotland begins with the Romans in the 1st century, then the Gaelic (Irish) invasions in the 6th century. Hadrian’s Wall, our first destination today, was begun in 122 AD as a defensive fortification. It runs 73 miles and is a UNESCO World Heritage site. Maria was quick to point out to us that the history of the Wall is impressive. The construction of the Wall is impressive. The purpose of the Wall is impressive. The Wall itself? Here she makes a fart noise, and cautions us that it is not at all impressive anymore. One issue is that over time, many average citizens found the stones in the Wall to be great building blocks for their own homes, and before this was prevented by law, the Wall was used for such purposes. Another issue is that before there were organizations created to protect the Wall, it fell down, or was knocked down by the errant sheep or cows and no one seemed to care. So, we were cautioned to keep our expectations of the actual Wall fairly low to prevent disappointment. And it was a good thing. The Wall was just as Maria had described. More like one of the many stone walls you see everywhere in Scotland. Because it was morning, the mist and the occasional person walking a dog added a surreal quality to the setting.

That evening, we checked into Airth Castle. Airth Castle, which is of course, haunted, dates back to the 14th century and was once owned by none other than Robert the Bruce. Robert was one of the most renowned warriors of his generation, and led Scotland during the first of many wars for Scottish independence. The castle was quite beautiful, and while we didn’t stay in the castle proper (because that’s where the ghost is), our room was quite nice. Several of our group were disappointed to not get to stay in the castle itself, but once they learned there were no electrical outlets, they settled down. One thing we learned is that bathrooms in Britain are unique and getting a shower requires some creativity and skill. Each plumbing strategy is different, and it is better to figure out that strategy before jumping in. Several of our traveling companions had the scalds to show for not doing that.

There were several optional experiences we had the opportunity to take advantage of and one of the first was this evening. A dinner was arranged in historic Torpichen, an ancient village associated with Scottish Kings and the Knights Templar. Our dinner was at the Torpichen Inn, run by Robert and Janet Vickers.The Inn dates back to 1890, and the Vickers’ take great pride in their Scottish heritage and mastery of Scottish cuisine. And this was our introduction to haggis. Which is a huge deal. Haggis, (prepare yourself) is a savory pudding made of the liver, heart and lungs of a sheep, minced and mixed with suet and oatmeal and seasoned with onion, cayenne pepper and other secret seasonings. Then this mixture is packed into the stomach of a sheep and boiled until done. The idea behind this is that the Scottish climate is pretty bracing, and the Scots work hard. Up early, out into the fields to care for the animals and the crops and fend off the marauding English, German, Vikings and Irish always coming to take their land. They need something that they can eat in the morning that will stick to their ribs. And they have all those sheep! And who wants to waste any part of that? So, haggis was born. Now when you go to a foreign country you should try their special foods right? Right. So I wanted to try haggis. And Maria told us the haggis at the Torpichen Inn was the best. What she didn’t tell us is that there is a production to introduce haggis. But Robert Vickers and his bagpipe player did the pudding proud. After the haggis tune and dance, Robert cut into the steaming sheep stomach and the scent of the haggis pudding filled the room. And it smelled good! The serving process was also somewhat unusual. Robert danced around the room, offering the steaming haggis to each table, where each guest loaded up their virgin fork and sampled a bite. Now, I’m not sure if Bob partook, but I did, and I was very pleasantly surprised. The haggis was savory, chewy, creamy, and seemed like comfort food to me. I would have grabbed another bite, but Robert had danced away.

I had also ordered haggis as my appetizer, as I had not been expecting the haggis performance, so I was now looking forward to my full share of the dish. But alas. Disappointment. Apparently, there is an effort to modernize haggis for the taste buds of today, so my appetizer, and any further haggis exposure I had in Scotland was a fried ball or patty. It lost all its glory in that form, so I will forever have to content myself with the memory of that first and only steaming bite of deliciousness. The Scottish salmon I had, however, was terrific.

Next day, it was back on the bus and on to Edinburgh, which is pronounced Edinbrough. Edinburgh is the capital city of Scotland since the 15th century, and is the Scottish center of education for medicine, law, literature, philosophy, science and engineering. It is a beautiful city, stunning architecture, with Edinburgh castle perched high on Castle Rock, over an extinct volcano. We got our exercise in Edinburgh. J K Rowling began writing Harry Potter here, at the Elephant Café, and the Edinburgh School for the Blind most certainly informed her imagination as she created Hogwarts. We toured the castle, billed as the most besieged place in Great Britain and one of the most attacked fortresses in the world. Scotland’s crown jewels rest here, and were, at times, hidden in the castle from intruders. Sean Connery was born in Edinburgh, and it has been home to a few of my favorite artists, including Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull and Shirley Manson of Garbage. It was the birthplace of Tony Blair. After we toured the castle, we had some free time here, so Bob and I looked for a restaurant for lunch. While there were many, many open pubs, most were not serving food, and this became a typical finding in Britain. Most places cited lack of cooks and servers as the problem. After walking all over the city, we finally found a place serving food. When our meal came, we realized we didn’t have any silverware, so I asked for some, and was met with a haughty, “who do you think you are, the Queen?” I quickly learned to ask for tableware.

That evening, we went again to a Scottish dinner show as part of our tour. This one was not as intimate as the previous one and seemed to include numerous tour buses. We were pretty packed in to a room in the Scottish Surgeons Hall Museum, which apparently could be rented out for such programs. This dinner also included the haggis show, but the haggis was not offered to the room at large, and there was a performance with Scottish musicians and dancers that was very good in spite of the packed room. Getting up to go to the toilet required a shoehorn. Late to bed and early to rise once again.

Our next day took us to St. Andrews and Blair Castle. But before we get there, more information about the seemingly millions of sheep. In fact, there are over 7 million sheep in Scotland. And as you pass the many, many sheep filled fields, you can’t help but notice that the sheep are painted. Yes, painted. Large splotches of blue and pink and red paint dot the backs of the sheep as they placidly graze. One reason is for identification. Colors help the farmers to identify their own sheep. Paint also helps to align moms and babies. Paint can help the farmer determine when shearing is due. And finally, during mating season, the ram is fitted with a bag of dye around his chest and neck. As mating occurs, this paint is left on the back of the ewe, helping the farmer to know which ewes have been impregnated. A ram who hasn’t distributed his paint in a timely manner becomes haggis.

Blair Castle stands in Pitlochry, Scotland, and is home to the Duke of Atholl, although the current Duke resides in South Africa. The castle is gorgeous, right out of a fairy tale, and is open to the public. The rooms are richly decorated, and it is easy to get lost looking at all the intricate furniture, architecture, period clothing, swords and rifles and displays. It is well worth a visit. It is also home to the only private army in Europe, permitted by decree from none other than Queen Victoria who visited and stayed in the castle in 1844. We also had a snack in the café in Blair castle, one of my favorite snacks in Britain: scones with clotted cream and raspberry jam along with a cappuccino, although Bob prefers tea, being more British than I. He also wishes they wouldn’t call the cream ‘clotted’ as it reminds him of blood, but he eats it anyway.

That was our first two-nighter in a hotel. We came to cherish these as it meant we had one day where we didn’t need to get up early to have our bags packed and ready to load on the coach. We stayed in the Craiglynne Hotel in Grantown On Spey, which was also a castle, and had at least one other tour group. That group was German-speaking, and I was surprised to learn that I retained a few words from college German classes, as I needed them at the bar to muscle my way through the Germans. It was also here that we were treated to one of the idiosyncrasies of one of our fellow travelers. A gentleman from Hawaii parked himself in the greatroom, strapped on his guitar, and proceeded to sing, at the top of his lungs, and very badly, a number of ballads from the 80’s and 90’s. While I had to admire his courage and his energy, he did effectively clear out the room pretty quickly, except for his wife who calmly sat in the corner and smiled dreamily.

Maria has these treats she calls Hidden Treasures that she tries to work into the itinerary if time allows. She has trained us to go Whoo Hoo whenever she mentions that she can take us to a Hidden Treasure. In Scotland, she had a terrific one—the Kelpies. These are 98-foot-high horsehead sculptures depicting mythological beasts with the strength and endurance of ten horses. They represent the lineage of the Scottish horses that pulled the wagons, barges and coal ships that built Scotland. At night they are backlit and rise from the highway as an eerie surprise to the unsuspecting motorist. They were a super Hidden Treasure. Whoo Hoo!

Our next day saw us on the way to the Scottish Highlands, Loch Ness and the fields of Culloden. Maria regaled us with tales of Scot’s history and showed us Horrible Histories of the various battles and exchanges of power of the Scots. Freedom!! I would not take on these people for anything. She shared with us that the movie Braveheart showed Scots painting themselves blue to intimidate their enemies, but she believes that this was done for storytelling. The actual Scots, not wanting to soil their tartans with blood and gore during a battle, often simply draped a belted overcloth across themselves and fought naked. Because Scotland is cold, they turned blue. I think seeing a naked blue Scot brandishing a sword, full of sustaining haggis and running at full throttle, aiming to kill, would make me think twice about how much I wanted to mess with their freedom. But that’s me. History notes that the Scot’s were pretty well crushed at Culloden, and afterwards, wearing their colors was prohibited for some time. They are still pretty pissed about that even today. The Battle was a classic example of the leadership refusing to recognize the exhausted and demoralized state of the fighting force.

To divert us from the sadness that is Culloden, Maria turned our attention to searching for Hairy Coo. Hairy Coo are Highland Cattle that have long horns and a hairy coat. In the Scottish vernacular, the word cow becomes coo. Hairy coos are most likely to be seen in the Scottish highlands, so as we rode in the coach we scoured the countryside for sightings. And we were rewarded. One other note. My family frequently teases Bob for quickly developing accents, particularly those of any waitstaff. He does this without intent, but it is always hilarious when he orders with a Mexican or Asian accent in a restaurant, and we are relentless in picking on him for this. During this trip, I got a taste of this medicine, as I developed a Scottish accent that I couldn’t shake. I heard myself doing it, and tried to make it stop, but I loved the accent so much I just wanted to BE Scottish. Something in my blood? Maybe. It went away as soon as we crossed the channel into Ireland. And now I can’t do it to save my life. Weird.

Loch Lomond is said to be dark and scary looking, but I suspect that’s just because it is very deep and Scotland is mostly cloudy and cold. The day we were there it was sunny and blue skied, although still weather for woolies. Maria told us one can still get a payout of one million pounds for a verified photo of Nessie and there are people near the shore who are dedicated to achieving that goal. Loch Ness does articulate with the ocean, so if there ever was a Nessie, she might be gone by now. We drove past Ben Nevis, the tallest mountain in Scotland, whose head is usually in the clouds but was out today for us to see. Maria told us the story of the massacre of the MacDonalds in the Glencoe Valley in 1692. This reminded me of the Game of Thrones episode, The Red Wedding. The common wisdom in the Valley is that one cannot harm someone to whom one has offered hospitality. But that is what happened to the MacDonald Clan in Glencoe as they failed to pledge allegiance to the new monarchs, William III and Mary II. To this day, there remains bad blood between some of the families in the region. We went on a Loch Lomond boat tour, past Rob Roy’s Cave (although it is pretty well hidden), and the scenery was beautiful.

And then, on to Glasgow. Glasgow is painted as a gritty city, but I loved it. It may be gritty, but it wasn’t dirty—in fact, I was struck continuously that there was no litter anywhere, despite the fact that garbage cans were also hard to find. Apparently, Scots are less litter-prone than Americans. Lots of buskers here, many playing some Rod Stewart, another famous Scot. One song we heard was “Donald, Where’s Your Trousers?” which was about Scot’s not being allowed to wear kilts after the battle of Culloden, and another really beautiful ballad, called “Will Ye No Come Back Again.” We first heard this one the night we tried haggis, and I thought then that the song was inviting us, the tourists, back. But it is, in fact, a song to Bonnie Prince Charles, who fled Scotland after the Battle of Culloden. It is beautiful and haunting. Glasgow is a city built on tobacco, and I even saw a sign stating “Vaping is at least 95% safer than smoking.” We walked through town, had a really delicious parsnip and carrot soup with brown bread, saw a hairdresser called “Blow Me, Baby, Hair that will Get You Laid,” and wondered about the shop advertising ‘custom waxing.’ PETA has pronounced it the most vegan city in the world. There were loads of young people in Glasgow, the place was bustling with energy, and it was a place where we both agreed we would gladly return and spend more time. It is, however, a place still fraught with prejudice between Catholics and Protestants, and there remains significant segregation in communities based on religion. And for those in the know, there is a suspicious looking blue phone-booth-looking thing labeled Police on a sidewalk in Glasgow.

Gretna Green, our stop next day, is where many young Scots went to marry when they didn’t have family permission or were too young. We saw lots of wind turbines here providing energy to the surrounding areas. Beatrix Potter comes from here, and was really quite a woman beyond the fairy tales for which she is known. She was a prominent woman leader, and singlehandedly saved a species of sheep from extinction by convincing local farmers and keeping the breed herself. We went to a small village where they made gingerbread which was billed as the best ever (it wasn’t) and also Kendall mint cakes, which even today are used as used a quick energy by climbers on Mt. Everest due to their high sugar content (we didn’t try them). We went to the Grassmere district, which is gorgeous countryside and home to William Wordsworth. We also took a cruise and a steam train ride in the Windermere Valley. On the cruise we were serenaded by a young man with a guitar and a beautiful tenor voice and served my favorite snack, more cappuccino and scones with clotted cream and raspberry jam. It was a beautiful day and the scenery in Scotland is breathtaking.

Tomorrow, we head through Wales to St. Georges channel on the way to Scotland, but there is a Hidden Treasure waiting first. Whoo Hoo!!